I had a friend in college tell me that for someone that talks as much as I do (spoiler alert, I talk a LOT), I never really reveal much about what's below the surface. And I suppose that is true, I have had a blog for 2+ years now, & even if you've read since the beginning, you know that I have 2 pugs, am engaged, live in Nashville, & am going to graduate school at Vanderbilt…. but not much more. I have been afraid to open up too much, to be vulnerable, for fear that my boss would find this corner of the internet, because of worries that I won't look perfect, & because of my own general anxieties.
Well, that last defining characteristic is about to change. As of January 14th, 2014 I will be Master Jessica… leaving Vanderbilt & giving up my dreams of becoming Dr. Jessica Ph.D.
But even writing "giving up" doesn't fit… I am transitioning, following my gut & jumping in with both feet to a new life path. And I couldn't be happier. Mind you I have been physically wrestling with this decision, battling it, struggling & fighting to find which way is up.
I don't think I can even put the words together to describe how disgruntled I had become with graduate school (& I have been trying to pen this post for MONTHS). I think my frustrations really came to a head in September (sorry if my 9/11 subject matter was insensitive to some)… I was searching, truly wondering "what I wanted to be when I grew up" & befuddled as to how everyone else seemed to have their
shit act together. I didn't see myself using my Ph.D. (like EVER), I was facing more than a year of school ahead of me, & then WHAT?
So I turned inward. I feel like I have been inside my own head (in a bad way) for the past 4 months, questioning E.V.E.R.Y. decision, feeling inadequate, & lost despite 26 years of experience on this planet. I literally began searching, starting with Google (where all legit searches find their origins), entering "how to become a ______"…. with everything from "professional organizer" to "stay at home pug mom" filling in that gaping blank.
And slowly but surly a plan started for form. An exit strategy. A satisfying move forward. Being that I am
slightly massively OCD, I can't make a move without having the next 5 already in place. Again, I didn't want to feel like a failure, so I have hid these 4 months (or more, if I'm being honest) of struggle from you, afraid of floundering in the unknown, all across the internet.
What's the next chapter look like? I have accepted a teaching position with Nashville Metro schools, and while I am still looking for where my exact placement will be, you are looking at a future high school biology teacher.
And as for the blog, I am still committed, but truth be told, I don't know how things will change over the coming months… I might look back & think how naïve, but if I managed this situation while working insane graduate student hours, then I surely can keep it together as a teacher… riiiiiight?
Phew… the cat is finally out of the bag & onto the blog. If you have any questions about things, please leave a comment & I would love to expound upon them in a future post.
Happy weekend y'all!